I spent 33 years hoping to find, and often seeking, a profoundly unique connection with others. There were even a few moments when I was convinced that I had found it. In such moments, I longed to be known to a depth that would exhaust every single facet of my character. I desired to know the other person just as deeply. I wanted sameness and synchronicity. But ultimately what I really, really wanted was to be loved unconditionally. However, once the masks fell, it proved a real challenge to negotiate differences and I was left in a state of confusion: Why did all these connections began so dazzling, so powerful… almost divine! And yet they all turned out as repetitive, mundane representations of every other type of connection that’s out there?
I never thought I would find a satisfying explanation for this puzzle that’s haunted every connection I’ve had with people along the way. But I did. And it’s changed everything.
I believe that what I was seeking was not merely a connection, but a reconnection. With God, not with a person. Not from this life, but from even before I was born. And I kept identifying it exactly where it should be in its primal stage: the very beginning of a love interest or inspiring friendship. That’s when there are still no “irreconcilable” differences getting in the way of love, or better yet – that’s when we’re all playing “perfect”. We’re all “good” under such a light, the light of freshness, hope and promise.
Knowing that has helped me accept one truth: I am not going to genuinely find and sustain this reconnection through being with someone else. I simply cannot attain it. God is the one who loves me just as I always wanted to be loved and knows me exactly as I have always wanted to be known. This reconnection is already in me and comes from God. The realization of such a fundamental truth freed me.
Who’s the love of my life? God. No one else could fill such infinite shoes.